By Brian Asman
Guest Contributor
Baskets. Bunnies. Erotic defenestration. These are all hallowed, long-standing Easter traditions, but it’s time to add a new one to the mix, courtesy of Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing Deputy Egg-Monger head honcho Max Booth III: The Great Bizarro Easter Egg Hunt!
On April 4th, Booth—dressed as some sort of Hawaiian Santa he insisted was a character named “Stephen Kink”—gathered together six bizarro authors and aspiring famed TV writer Andrew Hilbert for a two-hour extravaganza to celebrate the release of Jurassichrist, the new novel from Michael Allen Rose (author of Party Wolves in My Skull and several vaguely-threatening letters to local newspapers), with readings, rantings, implied nudity, terrible COVID haircuts, and an incredibly healthy dose of irreverence. What followed will go down in the anals of bizarro history, and possibly the annals as well, as one of the most batshit-crazy and ill-advised clusterfucks to ever be temporarily banned from YouTube for accidentally violating CBS/Viacom copyright (don’t worry, it’s back up: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdsIkSnQrEE/)
John Baltisberger from Madness Heart Press kicked things off with his #ownvoices story of another famous Jewish person, Jesus of Nazareth, and the forbidden love two Roman soldiers shared during the Crucifixation. The pulse/ass-pounding tale really struck a chord with the audience. Baltisberger’s story also resulted in a cease-and-desist letter from bizarro erotica impresario Chuck Tingle Chuck Tingle imitator Buck Shingle, the second legal action related to the event.
Baltisberger proved a hard act to follow, but Andrew Hilbert was up for the challenge. What his performance lacked in explicit Centurion-on-Centurion action, he made up for with sweaty, confused dad energy and a cop-stache that just wouldn’t quit. Hilbert’s reading of his Paw Patrol spec script, concerning the sad euthanization of a character named Cop Dog, surely earned him a spot in the writer’s room for realsies.
The less said about Brian Asman’s performance, the better. Asman mumbled his way through the interminable first chapter of his latest bowel movement novella, periodically wandered away from the camera to unload the dishwasher, and ended with literal egg on his face. What an ass clown.
Do buy his new book Nunchuck City, out 4/20 from Mutated Media. Maybe that’ll shut him up.
With that living abortion in the can, it was up to “Danger” Slater to “rescue” the “event,” and DID HE EVER! I missed most of his performance while rinsing egg yolk out of my eyes, but from what I gathered he taught the attendees how to become a famous author in five easy steps. Writing tips included releasing books with different covers, ensuring any boils are promptly lanced, copyrighting the phrase “reading is fundamental,” printing books on something called “paper” (sp?), and much, much more! If there’s one thing Danger Slater knows, it’s lancing boils, and the whole audience walked away far happier, healthier, and wiser than when they’d dialed in.
Jessica McHugh brought some much-needed class and decorum to the event with a reading from her story “American Sly-Ho,” part of the Boinking Bizarro anthology from Death’s Head Press (available now in paperback and e-book!). McHugh’s brimming with enthusiasm, and she brought her Bret Easton Ellis-inspired short to life with true panache. Her blackout poetry collection A Complex Accident of Life recently garnered a Stoker Award nomination, and she’s got another collection coming out later this year as well.
Next, Ron Paul impersonator author Cody Goodfellow showed the whole world what style looks like. Dressed to the nines, Goodfellow liberally slurped plastic egg shots and gave shoutouts to both living Popes, eventually getting around to ranting about fiat currency reading an excerpt from The Flying None (illustrated by Betty Rocksteady). Look for this incredibly-reverent take on Catholicism to drop later this year from Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing.
And finally, the man of the hour, Michael Allen Rose, gave the audience a taste of the aforementioned Jurassichrist. I’ve never trusted a man who feels compelled to use his middle name all the time, just seems ostentatious. Rose’s story was one hell of a banger though, as the children used to say. And what a killer premise—Jesus Christ gets reincarnated as a dinosaur. Who needs the Easter Bunny when the Son of Man can lay his own damn eggs? Go get Jurassichrist now, wherever books are sold!
When the egg juice dust settled, the Great Bizarro Easter Egg Hunt was one hell of a good time, AND no one got salmonella, which is basically everything I look for in an event. If you missed it, don’t fret, it’s preserved for posterity on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdsIkSnQrEE/.
And who knows, perhaps it’ll become a yearly tradition, one where all the little children of the world won’t go out hunting for stupid plastic eggs, but for bizarro fiction.
We can only hope.
Brian Asman has a new book Nunchuck City, coming out April 20th!
You better nun-check yourself before you wreck yourself! Reluctant ninja Nick just wants to open the world’s greatest drive-thru fondue restaurant, but when an old enemy resurfaces, he’s going to have to drop the spatula and dust off his nunchucks! Preorder via Amazon (https://www.amazon.com/Nunchuck-City-Brian-Asman-ebook/dp/B08YP6FMN6) or order a signed copy from Brian’s personal website at www.brianasmanbooks.com/merch.
Brian Asman is a writer, editor, producer and actor from San Diego, CA. He’s the author of I’m Not Even Supposed to Be Here Today from Eraserhead Press and Nunchuck City and Jailbroke from Mutated Media. He’s recently published short stories in the anthologies Breaking Bizarro, Welcome to the Splatter Club and Lost Films, and comics in Tales of Horrorgasm. An anthology he co-edited with Danger Slater, Boinking Bizarro, was recently released by Death’s Head Press. He holds an MFA from UCR-Palm Desert. He’s represented by Dunham Literary, Inc. Max Booth III is his hype man.
Find him on Instagram or Twitter (@thebrianasman), Facebook (brian.asman.14), or his website www.brianasmanbooks.com.
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